Did you know that the 9th – 15th October is Baby Loss Awareness Week. I am proud to join thousands of others this week in remembering babies lost too soon and help to raise awareness of the issues that affect those who experience their loss at any stage through pregnancy and birth. I am 1 in 4 women and here I stand proud and strong now feeling brave enough to share my story in the hope that it may help others.

If you would like to find out more information about this year’s campaign or would like some support and advice, you can find their website here https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ or visit their facebook page  https://www.facebook.com/MiscarriageAssociation/

Pure love … Our Rainbow Baby Story

So let’s roll the clock back a couple of years to 2017 when baby Jackson Steven White was born into the world on the 14th August 2017. This day was literally one of the best but hardest days of our lives so far. After all our little miracle rainbow baby was finally here healthy and well. After coming out of what seemed like a never ending storm for almost 3 years which is a long time and an experience that will stay with you forever.

I will start from the beginning telling you about our journey to having another child.

Back in 2014 we were off to a good start to our year, having just bought our first house together with our then 2 year old son which we moved into in July and things were going great. Not long after we had moved we found out the very exciting news that we were expecting again and baby would have been due soon after my son Brody’s 3rd birthday, May 2015. He’d just started pre school and mastered potty training so this would have been a perfect time so we thought to welcome another little person into our loving home. However sadly what joy and luck had been given to us was quite quickly taken away without even knowing.

After all the hard work of buying a house and moving we went on a little family holiday break to Spain that summer which was great. Just being around other families on holiday and seeing children with their siblings together made us feel happy and really looking forward to things to come. On our arrival back to the U.K. However it was time for our 12week first scan appointment which everyone in all honesty feels nervous about naturally I’m sure. This 2nd time around I had a feeling in my gut however that something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel unwell at all, yet my body was still experiencing the usual symptoms of pregnancy on holiday and back home, but the day before the ultrasound scan I had some brown bleeding which was old blood, but something I never had in my 1st pregnancy and it rang alarm bells. I was in no pain or anything so tried to ignore it but our thoughts and feelings were proved right that next day as nothing could be picked up on the tummy ultrasound so I had to have an internal scan which showed something there but was under-developed. We were given the sad news that our baby had stopped growing early on and of course we were absolutely devastated.

Soon after this news we were taken into a room and choices were handed out did I want to let things progress with the miscarriage naturally? Did I want medication to bring on a miscarriage to clear the body? Or did I want an operation to clear the body that way? Not only were these very difficult questions to answer at such a raw and emotional time but they make you wait a week (the longest of my life!) until they will see you again to help treat you. This time soon came round and I’d opted for the operation to remove what was classed as a missed miscarriage at 12weeks. I was terrified about what would happen, would I wake up from the anaesthetic and see my family again? All sorts ran though my head at that time and I felt so lonely and nervous. Waiting to go down for an op is the worst feeling. Anyway the op was a success and after a good rest and recovery time at home I soon felt back to normal again, well physically anyway. Mentally was another story.

From this very first miscarriage to the last… feelings ran high and it affected my husband and I in many ways testing our strength to its limits. Whilst trying to be ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ as we would normally be for our young son Brody. We both wanted to give him a sibling so badly and nobody could of predicted the battle ahead of us.

Since my early twenties and starting to have smear tests etc I’d always suffered with ‘abnormal cells’ or little cysts and occasionally experienced pain or discomfort in the tummy. Before I’d fallen pregnant with my first son I was told I had Endometriosis and would need treatment so discussed and planned to have a operation for this, as I really wanted some relief from my pain and obviously did not want to damage my fertility in any way at this age. I was told by the consultant then just not to wait 10 years… well little did I know that despite having Endometriosis that required surgery a short time after the operation date arrived I found out I was pregnant! Absolutely overjoyed but a little shocked we were very happy and at 27 years old I felt so ready to have my first child and the whole pregnancy was a healthy success. I gave birth to a little boy on 29th March 2012 weighing 8lbs 7oz! So this is the positive ‘1st miracle’ if you like in our story!

Very little did we know that only 2 years after having our son things would take a turn for the worst. Starting with our missed miscarriage at 12 weeks in 2014, followed with an operation and then it took us well over a year, 18 months to be exact trying to conceive again with no luck. As you can probably imagine we endured so much stress and heartache back then and felt like failures not really knowing what was wrong it wasn’t easy and both had to have various tests done.

Then in early 2016 we decided it was time to see a consultant to get some answers and we did. After another investigative operation on me we were given the bad news that ‘your endometriosis is still there’ and in a terrible state!

I had to have surgery yet again therefore in April 2016 as my left Fallopian tube was completely blocked and damaged and would need removing and I had lots of cysts around and on my ovaries was just heartbreaking to hear especially as I’d only had surgery two years prior to this in the same area! Endometriosis is a condition that can come back or progress. However in all honestly I did not care I was brave! And we were relieved to finally get some answers about what may be causing the issues in our fertility and being able to conceive after two natural pregnancies, we were really baffled why it hadn’t happened much sooner after our first loss but now at least we knew why. The term ‘Secondary infertility’ was used by the consultant, something you just wouldn’t imagine could happen after successfully having our first child quite easily.

So I went ahead with the surgery which was a success, started on a course of the drug Clomid to give my ovaries a boost and only a few months later in July 2016 we fell pregnant naturally again! Woohoo fantastic news! The operation has worked we thought… can you imagine the relief and excitement, for us although we were very nervous about this pregnancy naturally and unfortunately this was not meant to be either and I miscarried again. Only to be followed the following month in Aug 2016 with another positive pregnancy result but miscarried that baby too so this was number 3 of miscarriages now over those 3 years.

We had suffered so much bad luck and at the time life seemed so very unfair and cruel while everyone around me was having babies left right and centre, and my son has started school full time in September 2016 so I was around friends and children everyday. I really wasn’t in a good place at all. Still we never gave up hope and faith that one day it would still possibly happen so we kept trying and we actually ended 2016 on a high note! Having fallen pregnant for the 5th time in total now!! And having a positive pregnancy result in December 2016 we could not of been happier. We were almost about to give up and maybe have an attempt at IVF which is another very difficult process to follow and expensive too because we already had a child we wouldn’t of been eligible for any help with the cost.

Anyway we were under consultant led Care at the start of this pregnancy and I had regular checks and early pregnancy scans to make sure everything was ok and baby was growing as it should be, healthily and it was. We honestly couldn’t of received better care by the NHS at that time and our consultant was so amazing we owe everything to that man as without his help our family life, my own health and our future would not have been the same.

To end this horrible real life experience with a brighter outcome was so fortunate for us and something we will never ever take for granted. As you can imagine we spent years having our hearts filled with happy and sad times over something so simple to most as ‘having another baby’ and it really was a roller coaster of emotions to battle for both of us, not to mention all the strain it took on my body with the operations, the hormones and so on!

We love our new little arrival who’s now 2 years old so dearly and our family now feels complete. I remember feeling a big sense of relief and joy that those long hard 9 months were finally over and we could enjoy holding our little beautiful miracle baby boy after losing 3 dear angels.

My boys are my absolute world and I would do anything for them. People have always asked us both for years questions like will you have any more children, you must have another one and even now I still get comments about the possibility of having a third. To be honest I wouldn’t want to go through any more heartbreak or stress like I have done ever again can you blame me! I’ve also had to battle with back and hip problems for the last 7 years so pregnancy has not been an easy ride for me. All I have ever wanted is a happy life, to be married and have two happy and healthy children was my dream once and I have now achieved that finally!

It is just the way society is! We all say things without thinking first (I am a culprit of this too!) BUT people do not see or talk about what really is happening or has happened to them enough sadly in their own personal life… and it can be really hard and upsetting for some people us included. This is one of the reasons I wanted to share our story and help raise awareness of the struggles of fertility & miscarriage. Life is never easy and big life changes and challenges can hit you at anytime! We have learnt so much from our experience and try to enjoy life and cherish our time spent with family each and every day.

So please be brave, strong and support and love one another. Our world very much needs this and whatever plan life has in store for you just go with it and make the best of things as you just never know when something could change forever. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from others, life should not be lived in regret. Life is so precious and so are you! Please don’t ignore any pains or problems you may be experiencing ladies especially… if I had I may have very well ended up being infertile and my life would be so very different now. I am still living with endometriosis and will find out in the future if it’s come back after having baby I guess. I really hope for no more surgery though! I also have family and close friends who have had Polycystic ovaries, Cysts, Miscarriages, IVF treatment and Fertility issues, Cancer you name it! And from this I have learnt so much. One being LIFE IS TOO SHORT! We all need to talk to each other much more by any means, and offer our support to one another as women. These issues are far more common than we may realise and talking helped me hugely, so if by raising more awareness from sharing our story helps anybody out there than that gives me great comfort.

Love Katrina x